My Mask - Inside My Thoughts Poetry Reflection.
A deeper look into the poetry collection I put onto Wattpad, this time discussing the fourth poem: "My Mask."
Ever since I was a young child, I’ve struggled with the concept of fitting in. I knew I was different than other kids, but despite that, I wanted to be a part of their groups. But being autistic, introverted, and socially awkward made all of that a challenge. It felt more comfortable to sit alone than with others. Physical affection wasn’t something I enjoyed then. And opening up about who I was to other people? Why would I feel confident enough to do that?
The poem we’re going over today discusses all that. Talking about Autism and how I deal with it. It’s not fully represented of who I am, nor how I function as a person. But it’s a snippet of what make’s me, well me. Anyway, here’s the poem, just as it is:
I wear it in different colors, A piece of fabric on my brain. It fits in snug, gently, and tight. But no one sees it there, Because it's made up of emotions. They pick up on confusion, Lack of social cues, And trying to navigate a Course I've never been on before— Despite my walking down That road every single day. It's like one day I'm a bird, Fitting in nicely with my flock– The next I'm walking behind A pack of wolves wondering If I'm going to make it to the next day. It's like one day I'm a cat Sleeping comfortably on a cot, And then the next I'm an elephant Uncertain as to why I need to Be in this weird and unsettling place. But regardless of whether I'm in The sky or dashing on earth; Whether I'm taking a comfy nap Or I'm an animal in an exotic zoo, I know who I am deep down inside And that person changes every day. Even if others don't see it Through the lenses of the glass They gaze into my head with. Or if they peer back at the mask Cloaking my insides a little bit. They can never see how I just Don't fit in quite just right.
Life is challenging. It’s something every one has to accept, but every one has to process it in different ways, too. Then they have to come to terms with how every one is also different and unique. You can’t apply the same solutions to each person, because whether they show it or not, there’s something deeper to who they are. And for me, it’s being neurodivergent. It may be something I struggle with less than some others do, but it’s still there.
And I have a love/hate relationship with it.
On one hand, I love it because it helps me understand why I am the way I am. Then, on the other hand, it frustrates me knowing that I struggle with things most other people don’t. I hated having to learn how to fit into other people’s lives— just for some of those lives to be cut out from mine. Which cutting people out when they’re toxic or whatnot is perfectly valid, so don’t feel shame in doing it. It’s just the point of getting there is frustrating.
This isn’t my favorite poem, but it is something more personal than most. Sometimes I talk about being autistic, or other things in my poetry— but more often I try to focus on concepts. One of the goals I have for this next year of writing is to put effort into writing personally. This one right here is a good starting point, but there’s still a lot of room left for more.
One of the things I do like about this poem is it’s use of comparing me to animals and concepts. It finds fun little ways to show what I think of myself, and I feel that’s really cool. It showcases some of my struggles in ways that seem relatable.
It's like one day I'm a cat Sleeping comfortably on a cot, And then the next I'm an elephant Uncertain as to why I need to Be in this weird and unsettling place.
Take this stanza for example. I do often tell other people I’m like a house cat. Especially when it comes to my energy for socializing. It’s perfect. Then the part about being an elephant. There’s times where I feel like I take up too much space, that I’m being a burden. And other times not even sure why I’m there in the first place. Everything just becomes weird feeling to me.
But recognizing all of this has been a part of my journey for the past several years. I learn new things about myself all the time. Which if you think about it, I’m also much happier as an individual than I used to be. My self-esteem isn’t nearly as low as it used to be, and I’m starting to open up about myself more, too.
I think it takes time to get where you want to be. And sometimes it doesn’t feel like much has changed. So, if you can, take a moment to look back at where you used to be. Then take in where you are now. See the growth unfold. You might still be the same person in your core, but you’ve accomplished so much.
So yes, while there’s still so much I’ve struggled with and will continue to have a hard time with— I’m still a lot farther than I used to be. And I am proud.
If you liked this piece, consider subscribing to be notified about future posts. Or, consider supporting the blog by sharing this post, also by purchasing a copy of Inside the Sun and Moon.
